Saturday, August 04, 2018

drapetomania (n): an overwhelming urge to run away.

....but seriously how far could I actually run because I hate running.

So, here's some news if you haven't already noticed or heard through Facebook or Instagram - I'm single, and I'm a mother, therefore, I'm a single mother. Those words feel partially empowering and partially like nails on a chalk board.

It's a tough pill to swallow when I get the random messages from people who reach out asking "what happened?" People I haven't spoken to in years, who haven't cared about anything to do with my life, but now want an in to my "drama."

Well, I'll be honest. He told me he didn't love me anymore. Want to know how bad that hurt?

I cried a lot. I was scared (I'm still scared). I begged for counseling. He completed two sessions with me. Two. I continued going on my own, bringing Isla with me, and even once I moved back to Florida continued phone sessions with my counselor. I continued teaching cycle and trying to inspire others when I felt completely uninspiring and literally dead inside. I was angry, resentful at him for making me a single mother and resentful for how this could affect our child.

I was tired of feeling like I didn't hold any power in what was left of my crumbling relationship, so I drove myself down to an attorney's office and filed for divorce on April 5th. Packed my things April 6th and flew Isla and myself back to Florida April 8th while my dad drove my 4Runner, dog and two cats.

I'll never forget driving away from what was my home for so long. My first purchased house. I remember listening to the waterfall in the pool the night before I left, laying in bed by myself trying not to cry and trying to be brave. After my things were packed, the house was relatively empty, it was cold, it didn't feel like a home anymore. I sold a lot of stuff, got a lot of questions from neighborhood strangers "I'm getting a divorce," I'd say, "Oh my gosh I'm so sorry," I became numb to that response.

My dad and I drove to Albuquerque where Isla and I flew out from. I flew first class because with an infant in your arms and a pending divorce you need all the free alcohol you can get.

The divorce was final April 27th. I still have my ring and haven't decided what to do with it.

Fast forward four months later. While I'm still not happy and still extremely resentful, I'm working hard. Sometimes I still wake up in disbelief that this is my life now.  I appreciate the people who have reached out (literally nearly everyone I'm friends with on Facebook); you have absolutely no idea the impact of your kind words. I think currently I'm struggling with some depression because my life has regressed so much, but I remind myself that this is temporary. I wake up everyday and try to show Isla how brave and determined I am. Because it's the truth, I am brave and I am determined. I land on my feet EVERY TIME. I refuse to let someone else's choice dictate the rest of my life.

Some days I want to say, "you don't love me anymore? Well I love me twice as much as you ever did." And that's that.

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